So, what if you married the last person you kissed? i'd fuckin love my life.

Last person you told a secret to? not sure

What are you listening to at the moment? one tree hill season 5

What's your favorite thing about Sundays? i'm excited to go to class the next day (although i think that's jsut b/c it's the beginning of the semester)

Do you hate anyone? no no. that's no fun!

Last phone call you received? cammmmmeron

What are you wearing on your feet? nothin

Who did you last get into a big argument with? hmm cameron i think

Do you like to have long hair or short hair? right now i like short hair

Do you want to cut your hair? i want to get it trimmed

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? probably elizabeth

What are you excited about? my boyfriend and my puppy and choir tomorrow and sai

Are you wearing make-up? the little that i put on this morning

What happened at 11AM this morning? i was walking to class

The newest text message in your inbox say? it was cameron telling me he couldn't hang out tonight but that he could tomorrow night

What was the last song you sang out loud? um...i have no idea, i sing songs all day long

Do you have any brothers? i have one brother and a plethera of ex step siblings

What time did you go to bed last night? 12:30...one tree hill kept me up

Are you currently happy? fuckin yes man.

Who gives you the best advice? clarissa, cameron, and mark

Who did you talk on the phone with last night? cameron

Is anything bugging you right now? nope!

What was the last thing to make you laugh? i'm sure something on one tree hill made me laugh just a little bit this afternoon

What annoys you most? i don't know and i don't want to think about it b/c then i'll just get annoyed

Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollars? no...because even a billion dollars of therapy wouldn't erase the guilt

Who was the last person you saw in person? andrew

Have you changed this year? yes. and no. well...i think i've just become more myself. but i've changed a little.

Who were you with last night around 9:00pm? at exactly 9 pm last night i was on the phone with jen. we had just finished watching one tree hill!

If you could change your eye color would you? nope!

What are you looking forward to in the next month? pumpkin growing up, hanging out with cameron, sai stuff, learning all our music in choirrrrrrr!

Did you kiss or hug anyone today? i kissed and hugged the bf. i don't think i hugged anyone else though...which is weird b/c i usually hug like 5 people a day

Do you want someone back in your life? yep.

What jewelery are you wearing? nothin.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? i fuckin better or i'll be a sad panda.

Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? story of my -high school- life.

Have you ever in any way, been betrayed by someone you trust? actually, i don't think so.

Do you find it in your heart to forgive? yeah i usually do.

At what age do you want to get married? im thinking at least 26

Do you like snakes? sure

Do you like waffles? yes!

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member on the phone? um not anymore

Say you were give a drug test right now, would you pass or fail? i'd pass

Who was the last person to send you a text message? cameron

Is your phone right beside you? yep

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? i sure hope so!

What were you doing at 2AM Saturday night? i'm pretty sure i was sleeping.

okay it's been a while. i'm never in the mood anymore.

today, i realized how great life is. i already knew how lucky i was, but it hit me again today. i was walking back to my car after class, and i thought to myself 'this is the worst part of my day'. my biggest complaint of the day was walking to my car! how lucky is that!??!

i love my boyfriend, too.

oh...AND MY PUMPKIN!

and i have a puppy. her name is pumpkin. she's perfect and beautiful and sweet and she's my little angel. i don't feel like writing, but she is my favorite thing at the moment.

so i've noticed something in the past couple days that have been a part of me for years. i am just starting to realize that i really am adhd. i would just say 'add' but that's not actually correct anymore. anyways...i always thought that i just lacked motivation to do things, which is fixed when i take my ritalin. but i also have that typical 'i can't stay focused on one thing for a long period of time' aspect. for example...
- when i'm watching a movie or tv show that i've seen already, as much as i love it, i can't just sit there and watch it. i have to do something else, like clean or paint my nails.
- i often get bored reading one book at a time. right now i'm reading three. now two of the books i'm reading are teaching me how to raise a puppy, which i'm getting soon, so that's understandable. but in the past, i always have two or three books that i haven't finished...and i read whichever one i'm in the mood for at that time.
- i'm taking an online class, and the professor has posted his powerpoint presentations, with his voice explaining them in the background. i cannot for the life of me sit there and watch them. instead, i read the transcript that he provides as an alternative.
- when i'm in class, i have to take notes, or do something. i cannot sit there. i hate when teachers post all the notes, which i take to class, and then realize he doesn't really say anything else that i need to write down, because it's all there already. i definitely do not learn just by watching someone speak. it goes in one ear and out the other. i have to read it. but reading it while he's talking doesn't help either. i have to engage in it - i have to write it down or something.
- when i'm reading, i need narrow columns. when i have just plain text on the computer screen, i have to make the window smaller so the text
goes into smaller columns like this
so i can read it easier because i get
lost if one line of text travels
all the way across the screen.

that's all for now.

well i've been puppy sitting Lexi and Peanut for 4 days now. it's definitely been fun, but it's also been a lot of work. i don't think it will be this hard when we move to our new apartment though. it was just annoying b/c this apartment was dirty and wasn't puppy proof...there were little things all over the floor, and i really had to watch them every minute to make sure they weren't eating anything. but i think when andrew and jen and the puppers and i all live together, it will be easy, and fun.

with that said, i'm getting a puppy of my own! i did a lot of research and have saved a lot of money, and on august 2nd, i'm bringing home my very own miniature dachshund. she will be 8 weeks old, and her name is Pumpkin. she has a light orange coat with darker spots, and bright blue eyes. she is BEAUTIFUL. i can't wait to have my own little baby! i can't wait to have a schedule and have to pay attention to her and groom her and take her to the vet for checkups and train her and love love love love love her. i'm totally going to make a website for all her pictures. i never understood before how people could get so attached to a pet, but now i get it. pumpkin is literally going to be like another person. she's going to be a member of my family...and i would absolutely run into a burning building to save her.

ha, okay that's all for now. YAY FOR PUPPIES!

day 1 was a success. last night i took a bath, cleaned my room, and stretched with my eyes closed, which helped. i got in bed at 1 and was asleep by 1:30! couldn't believe it. i woke up today at 8:50 and was out of bed by 9:10. it hurt and i was tired but it's not even noon yet and i've already started and finished my paper. hopefully i won't get really tired when i crash from my ritalin.

so cameron's been awake for a few hours, and i have been too, but we haven't hung out yet. it's nice. normally i would have woken up and gone straight downstairs, but not anymore!

i'm moving to a really nice apartment with andrew and jen and lexi and peanut in a couple weeks. i'm so excited. the place is only 3 years old and it's so nice and jen and i can't wait to decorate! i can't wait to have my first apartment. i don't really count this one that i'm in now.

i think that's it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHAKI I LOVE YOU!

so i think i've gotten back in the groove of writing in here again.

i'm starting a new sleep thing tonight. 1am to 9am. i wake up at 9am no matter what. and i do lots of other stuff, and take roserum. i hope this works!

cameron and i are going to start spending less time together now. he's going to bed in a couple hours, but he's spending the rest of the night alone. i can't wait to miss him. we literally have been hanging out every free second that we have. when he walked me to the door, we had an amazing kiss. we usually don't kiss like than unless we are lying in bed. we laughed and hugged and his smile was huge. i'm really crazy about him.

i cleaned my room today and it made me feel good. and i did my homework. and it had been a while since i had taken my ritalin. i was mentally motivated with this new sleep plan.

let's see...i think that's all for now.

[edit]

i talked with shawn tonight, just catching up. it was fun to have a friend and just chat with them on the phone. i need to do that more often.

and so what if i'm using a pre-made layout. i think it's cute!

oh, and i love rissa.

i had an experience tonight and want to write about it before i go to bed.  i'm on my sleeping medication right now so this might be funky.

today was really one of the happiest days of my life.  it was just normal.  i woke up around 10:30 to go to my hair appointment.  i got it trimmed, layered, and colored my natural color.  on wednesday i'm going back to get a light perm.  tony the owner just talked with me about what kinds of -boys- men i like and we had a good conversation.  innocent flirting that made both of us feel better about ourselves.  (aside from him being 100% italian...his accent is heavenly, and his hair, is like mcdreamy hair, but not curly.)  anyways, i felt so beautiful after i left, and my mom and i went to eat at mcdonals b/c i was in a hurry.  for me to be able to eat at mcdonals and not worry about how fattening it is, is a good thing, so it made me happy to remember that i don't have issues with food anymore.  we go home, and i change.  i touch up my makeup, and head out to iota to see the show.


(more tomorrow, too tired.)

Build god, then we'll talk.  It's the substandard motels on the corner of 4th and Fremont Street.  Appealing only because they're just that unappealing.  Any practiced catholic would cross themselves upon entering.  The rooms have a hint of asbestos and maybe just a dash of formaldehyde, and a habit of decomposing right before your very eyes, along with the people inside.  What a wonderful caricature of intimacy.  Tonight's tenants range from a lawyer and a virgin accessorizing with a rosery tucked inside her lingerie.  She's getting a job at the firm come Monday.  The Mrs. will stay with the cheating attorney.  Moonlighting aside, she really needs his money.  A wonderful caricature of intimacy.  Oh, and not to mention, the constable and his proposition for that "virgin".  Yes, the one the lawyer met with on "strictly business", as he said to the Mrs.  Only hours before after he had left, she was fixing her face in a compact.  There was a terrible crash.  Between her and the badge she spilled her purse and her bag and held a "purse" of a different kind.  There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses.  It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses at the shade of the sheets and before all the stains, and a few more of your least favorite things.

There's a good reason these tables are numbered, baby, you just haven't thought of it yet.  Please leave all overcoats, cains, and top hats with the doorman.  From this moment, you'll be out of placed and underdressed.  I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it...ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring.  When you're in black slacks with accentuating off white pinstripes, everything goes according to plan.  I'm the new cancer, never looked better and you can't stand it, because you say so under your breath, you're reading lips, when did he get all confident?  Next is a trip to the ladie's room in vain.  I bet you just can't keep up with fashionistas.  Tonight you are a whispering campaign.  I bet, to them, your name is cheap.  I bet, to them, you look like shit.  Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears, and keep telling yourself that, "I'm a diva."  Oh and the smokes in that cigarette box on the table...they just so happened to be laced with nitroglycerin.  And I know, I know it just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up.  I've never been so surreptitious so of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch.

I constantly thank god for Esteban.  Give us this day our daily dose of faux affliction.  Forgive our sins forged at the pulpit with forked tounges selling faux sermons.  'Cause I am a new wave gospel sharp and you'll be thy witness.  So gentlemen, if you're gonna preach, for god's sake, preach with conviction!  Strike up the band, the conductor is beckoning.  Come, congregation, let's sing it like you mean it.  No, don't you get it?  Don't you get it now?  Don't you move.  Just stay where I can see you.  Douse the lights!  We sure are in for a show tonight.  In this little number we are graced by two displays of character: we've got the gunslinger extrordinare, a walking contradiction.  And I, for one, can see no blood from the hearts and the wrists you alledgedly slit.  And I, for one, won't stand for this.  If the scene were a parish, you'd all be condemned.

I write sins, not tragedies.  Imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor...I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words.  "What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.  "And yes, but what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore."  I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a god damn door?!"  No...it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.  Well, in fact...I'll look at it this way, I mean technically, our marriage is saved.  Well this calls for a toast so pour the champaign!

 But it's better if you do.  Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name.  As she sheds her skin on stage, I'm seating and sweating to a dance song on the club's PA.  The strip joint veteran sits two away smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daquari.  And isn't this exactly where you'd like me?  I'm exactly where you'd like me,  you know...praying for love in a lap dance, and paying in naivety.  Oh...now I'm afraid that I, well...I may have faked it.  And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place.

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.  Is it still me that makes you sweat?  Am I who you think about in bed when the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?  Then think of what you did and how I hope to god he was worth it when the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.  I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, and a better fuck than any boy you'll ever meet.  Sweetie, you had me.  Girl, I was it, look past the sweat.  A better love deserving of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat.  Oh no, no...you know it will always just be me.  Let's get these teen hearts beating.  Faster, faster!  So testosterone boys and harlequin girls...will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?  So I guess we're back to us.  Oh cameraman, swing the focus!  In case I lost my train of thought, where was it that we last left off?  Let's pick up, pick up...oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the point where the shock sets in and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.  I hope you didn't expect to get all of the attention.  Let's not get selfish...did you really think I'd let you kill this chorus?  Dance to this beat.

 Time to dance.  Well, she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention...that's just ridiculous...ridiculously on.  Well, she sure is gonna get it.  Here's the setting: fashion magazines line the walls and the walls line the bullet holes.  Have some composure, where is your posture?  Oh no, no...you're pulling the trigger all wrong!  Give me envy.  Flash.  Give me malice.  Flash.  Give me your attention.  Flash.  Baby, give me a break!  When I say "shotgun", you say "wedding" (or whatever comes to mind).  She didn't choose this roll, but she'll play it and make it sincere so you cry.  And they believe it from the tears and the teeth right down to the blood at her feet.  Boys will be boys hiding in estrogen and wearing Aubergine Dreams.  Come on, come on.  This is screaming photo op...

Camisado.  The IV and your hospital bed...this was no accident...this was a therapeutic chain of events.  This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor.  This is the scent of quarentined wings in a hospital.  It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional.  It sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal.  The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where the apathy and urgency are that I thought I phoned in.  It's not so pleasant and it's not so conventional.  It sure as hell ain't normal, but we deal.  Just sit back, just sit back and relax.  Just sit back, just sit back and relapse again.  You can't take the kid from the fight but you can take the fight from the kid.  Just sit back.  You're a regular decorated emergency.  The bruises and contusions will remind me of what you did when you wake.  You've earned your place atop the ICU's Hall of Fame.  The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again.

Nails for breakfast, tacks for snacks.  Watch your mouth because your speech is slurred enough that you just might swallow your tounge.  I'm sure you would want to give up the ghost just a little more poise than that.  Was it God who chokes in these situations?  Running late?  Oh no, he called in.  The hospice is a relaxing weekend getaway where you're a cut above all the rest sick and sad patients on a first name basis with all the top physicians.  Prescribe pills to offset the shakes to offset the pills.  You know you should take it a day a time.  (Replace a vice with a vice.)  That's when you stutter something profound to the support on the line.  With the way you've been talking, every word gets you a step closer to hell.  I am alone in this bed, house, and head.  She never fixes this, but at least she makes me forget.